Comments on: Be like me. And then date me. http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:56:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Damie_Troy http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19783 Damie_Troy Tue, 19 Sep 2006 04:53:34 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19783 Very good points. Agreed. Very good points. Agreed.

]]> By: Lyonside http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19681 Lyonside Mon, 18 Sep 2006 14:15:10 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19681 Ah, but Damie, I think online sites like this perpetuate the idea that mixed black-white people are 1) all first generation, or it doesn't count, *eyeroll* 2) are all uniformly of the same apparence and level of "beauty" *eyeroll*, and 3) all mixed black-white people have the same types of experiences, seperate from everyone else, and ONLY another mixed-black-white person could POSSIBLY understand our confused beige persons *eyes roll out of HEAD* OF course all 3 are categorically false and just damn lazy, IMO. I wonder on the stats of people on this and other sites - physically? economically? educationally? are they all the same? I suspect a certain "paper bag test" mentality at work at some sites ... think anyone gets turned down for a date because they're too dark? Ah, but Damie, I think online sites like this perpetuate the idea that mixed black-white people are 1) all first generation, or it doesn’t count, *eyeroll* 2) are all uniformly of the same apparence and level of “beauty” *eyeroll*, and 3) all mixed black-white people have the same types of experiences, seperate from everyone else, and ONLY another mixed-black-white person could POSSIBLY understand our confused beige persons *eyes roll out of HEAD*

OF course all 3 are categorically false and just damn lazy, IMO. I wonder on the stats of people on this and other sites - physically? economically? educationally? are they all the same? I suspect a certain “paper bag test” mentality at work at some sites … think anyone gets turned down for a date because they’re too dark?

]]> By: Damie_Troy http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19337 Damie_Troy Fri, 15 Sep 2006 23:20:24 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19337 I always noticed this kind of mulatto racial consciousness on the internet, but I never see it in real life. I'm not knocking it, because I'm one too. I always noticed this kind of mulatto racial consciousness on the internet, but I never see it in real life. I’m not knocking it, because I’m one too.

]]> By: gatamala http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19020 gatamala Wed, 13 Sep 2006 13:17:46 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19020 JC I'm not saying that race is NOT impt to you!!!!! It's just in a different way!!!! I need some Crackbux... JC I’m not saying that race is NOT impt to you!!!!! It’s just in a different way!!!! I need some Crackbux…

]]> By: gatamala http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19019 gatamala Wed, 13 Sep 2006 13:16:16 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-19019 JC, Ailurophile Yeah! That clears it up!!! :D I can understand why focusing on race would be odd for you. However, I'm not bi/multiracial. Race is always/will always be a factor in my life. A preference for someone who looks like me is based on life experience. My race - my culture (AfAm - thoroughly influenced by the construction of race) has shaped my outlook and motivated me in particular ways. I definitely agree with both of you. The parameters one sets up, the more difficult the search. However, I think you (particularly, Ailu) misunderstand people who DO have a preference. Just because someone wants to date/marry of same race X does NOT mean that mutual affection, religion or lack thereof, education, family are NOT important. It's not fair to assume that someone who prefers or even restricts themselves is too dumb to realize that there are many factors that determine compatibility. That's tantamount to assuming that a bi/multi racial couple will automatically raise kids untainted by race, that are accepting of and respectful towards other backgrounds. As for me personally... While growing up I (& the folks) assumed that I would date & marry men of my racial, ethnic, socioeconomic background. For a multitude of reasons it didn't work out. My exhusband was of MexAm descent. Race & culture weren't our problems (lets just say he had issues ;) ). I'm currently seeing someone of another racial, cultural background. Yes, I do have a preference. I would love to find someone "like" me who shares my interests, is highly educated, likes cats & is agnostic/secular humanist. However, the pickings are slim and my lack of traditional/religious belief eliminates me from the radar of many (if not most) of my race. So, as a practical matter I have to be open. I know a few (very few) who limit themselves this way. I can respect that, understand it - even though I can't go that route. HOWEVER, I still have a preference for minorities (multi- mono- etc..) b/c the feeling of otherness was/is prevalent in my life. That doesn't mean that any minority is ok, or all whites are not ok. It just means there is a minimum level of cultural understanding that my significant other must have (any minority w/o it is persona non grata). It is not something that I can quanitfy or succinctly describe - other than to say, I'm not teaching "Black folks or Minority 101". Ailurophile, please don't think I'm picking on you. :) It's just that (I'm assuming your American/Canadian) there IS a different experience for non-whites (who obviously have differences among themselves). It IS shaped by race (& also culture, ethnicity) in this country. That is not to imply that race=monolith, but there is (for AfAms & Native Ams in particular) a collective experience & shared history. I know why you make the assumptions that you do. You are seen as the norm and don't experience otherness. Please don't mistake the comfort some MAY feel w/ someone of their own race for ignorance/narrowmindedness etc.... There are many folks of many races/ethnicities etc... that have to explain what they are, why they think the way they do, why they eat X, why they wear Y all damn day. Frankly, no one wants to have to "fight battles" at work/school then deal with it under their own roof (unfortunately this does happen). JC, Ailurophile

Yeah! That clears it up!!! :D I can understand why focusing on race would be odd for you. However, I’m not bi/multiracial. Race is always/will always be a factor in my life. A preference for someone who looks like me is based on life experience. My race - my culture (AfAm - thoroughly influenced by the construction of race) has shaped my outlook and motivated me in particular ways.

I definitely agree with both of you. The parameters one sets up, the more difficult the search. However, I think you (particularly, Ailu) misunderstand people who DO have a preference. Just because someone wants to date/marry of same race X does NOT mean that mutual affection, religion or lack thereof, education, family are NOT important. It’s not fair to assume that someone who prefers or even restricts themselves is too dumb to realize that there are many factors that determine compatibility. That’s tantamount to assuming that a bi/multi racial couple will automatically raise kids untainted by race, that are accepting of and respectful towards other backgrounds.

As for me personally…
While growing up I (& the folks) assumed that I would date & marry men of my racial, ethnic, socioeconomic background. For a multitude of reasons it didn’t work out. My exhusband was of MexAm descent. Race & culture weren’t our problems (lets just say he had issues ;) ). I’m currently seeing someone of another racial, cultural background. Yes, I do have a preference. I would love to find someone “like” me who shares my interests, is highly educated, likes cats & is agnostic/secular humanist. However, the pickings are slim and my lack of traditional/religious belief eliminates me from the radar of many (if not most) of my race. So, as a practical matter I have to be open. I know a few (very few) who limit themselves this way. I can respect that, understand it - even though I can’t go that route. HOWEVER, I still have a preference for minorities (multi- mono- etc..) b/c the feeling of otherness was/is prevalent in my life. That doesn’t mean that any minority is ok, or all whites are not ok. It just means there is a minimum level of cultural understanding that my significant other must have (any minority w/o it is persona non grata). It is not something that I can quanitfy or succinctly describe - other than to say, I’m not teaching “Black folks or Minority 101″.

Ailurophile, please don’t think I’m picking on you. :) It’s just that (I’m assuming your American/Canadian) there IS a different experience for non-whites (who obviously have differences among themselves). It IS shaped by race (& also culture, ethnicity) in this country. That is not to imply that race=monolith, but there is (for AfAms & Native Ams in particular) a collective experience & shared history. I know why you make the assumptions that you do. You are seen as the norm and don’t experience otherness. Please don’t mistake the comfort some MAY feel w/ someone of their own race for ignorance/narrowmindedness etc…. There are many folks of many races/ethnicities etc… that have to explain what they are, why they think the way they do, why they eat X, why they wear Y all damn day. Frankly, no one wants to have to “fight battles” at work/school then deal with it under their own roof (unfortunately this does happen).

]]> By: HighJive http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18980 HighJive Wed, 13 Sep 2006 00:41:12 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18980 Maybe they could do a tie-in with Dunkin’ Donuts and hold a Mulatto & Coolatta Party. Maybe they could do a tie-in with Dunkin’ Donuts and hold a Mulatto & Coolatta Party.

]]> By: Kevin http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18966 Kevin Tue, 12 Sep 2006 22:06:41 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18966 From mulattoMatch.com: "Looking for MALE Mulatto Looking for FEMALE Mulatto" Hmm, feels like I am shopping for horses or something. I'll take a male mulatto of the Karabakh breed. It must be in good shape. No diseases. Hoofs must not be worn out. And it must not be overly mouthy or nippy because aggressive horses can be dangerous. And it must be willing to breed or able to breed for that matter. Price is negotiable I hope. Thanks. From mulattoMatch.com:

“Looking for MALE Mulatto

Looking for FEMALE Mulatto”

Hmm, feels like I am shopping for horses or something. I’ll take a male mulatto of the Karabakh breed. It must be in good shape. No diseases. Hoofs must not be worn out. And it must not be overly mouthy or nippy because aggressive horses can be dangerous. And it must be willing to breed or able to breed for that matter. Price is negotiable I hope. Thanks.

]]> By: Ailurophile http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18963 Ailurophile Tue, 12 Sep 2006 21:39:24 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18963 In my experience, some people feel that a person who shares their ethnic background will be easier to be with (fewer conflicts), more acceptable to their families, and have more in common with them. I *can* understand this to a point, especially if the issue is religion (such as a Jewish person wanting to date/marry another Jewish person because that will eliminate conflicts about religion, how to bring up the kids, etc). However, the fallacy in this thinking is the belief that anyone who shares a characteristic with you is automatically going to be someone you have a lot in common with, share values with, and will want to date/marry. This is where I believe that the likes of "Mulatto Dating" or whatever fall down on. It's like assuming that Barack Obama and Halle Berry have a lot in common just because they are both black/white biracial people. I surmise that people join such "targeted" dating sites in order to find a partner with whom they can be compatible, and maybe assume more than is realistic that someone who shares their racial background or religion will ipso facto be compatible with them. Not necessarily so! I don't think there's much harm in it but people need to temper their expectations. I wouldn't join a dating site targeted towards Democrats expecting every single man on the site to be compatible with me because of political beliefs. As far as making race the main criterion of one's dating choices - where does that shade over into a fetish? I would venture to say that when *race* becomes more important than the *person*, and that is what makes fetishism so creepy, it's the depersonalization of someone who ought to be considered as a whole person and not some kind of personification of a race/ethnicity. In my experience, some people feel that a person who shares their ethnic background will be easier to be with (fewer conflicts), more acceptable to their families, and have more in common with them. I *can* understand this to a point, especially if the issue is religion (such as a Jewish person wanting to date/marry another Jewish person because that will eliminate conflicts about religion, how to bring up the kids, etc).

However, the fallacy in this thinking is the belief that anyone who shares a characteristic with you is automatically going to be someone you have a lot in common with, share values with, and will want to date/marry. This is where I believe that the likes of “Mulatto Dating” or whatever fall down on. It’s like assuming that Barack Obama and Halle Berry have a lot in common just because they are both black/white biracial people.

I surmise that people join such “targeted” dating sites in order to find a partner with whom they can be compatible, and maybe assume more than is realistic that someone who shares their racial background or religion will ipso facto be compatible with them. Not necessarily so! I don’t think there’s much harm in it but people need to temper their expectations. I wouldn’t join a dating site targeted towards Democrats expecting every single man on the site to be compatible with me because of political beliefs.

As far as making race the main criterion of one’s dating choices - where does that shade over into a fetish? I would venture to say that when *race* becomes more important than the *person*, and that is what makes fetishism so creepy, it’s the depersonalization of someone who ought to be considered as a whole person and not some kind of personification of a race/ethnicity.

]]> By: site admin http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18962 site admin Tue, 12 Sep 2006 21:08:04 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18962 gatamala, thanks for your question...here's my answer (would hate for you not to love me anymore. :)). i think that it probably wasn't phrased very clearly because i tend to think that everyone can read my mind. can't you? :) yes, i guess what i was saying here, is that it troubles me when people have specific criteria for who they will date based on race. Ailurophile brings up the idea, that yes, you want to be very focused and targeted in your dating online and look to people's likes, dislikes, personality, etc. but when race is first and foremost the priority of all of your criteria? i don't know... i'm not saying it's wrong, but it's just not how i would go about things. it makes me uncomfortable. let's just leave it at that. i would not go so far as to say that I assume that people who use these sites have fetishes. no. people want to be with someone like them, and that can very well include ethnic background. to each her own, I guess. i can see both sides. :) does that clarify a bit? ~JC gatamala, thanks for your question…here’s my answer (would hate for you not to love me anymore. :)). i think that it probably wasn’t phrased very clearly because i tend to think that everyone can read my mind. can’t you? :) yes, i guess what i was saying here, is that it troubles me when people have specific criteria for who they will date based on race. Ailurophile brings up the idea, that yes, you want to be very focused and targeted in your dating online and look to people’s likes, dislikes, personality, etc. but when race is first and foremost the priority of all of your criteria? i don’t know… i’m not saying it’s wrong, but it’s just not how i would go about things. it makes me uncomfortable. let’s just leave it at that. i would not go so far as to say that I assume that people who use these sites have fetishes. no. people want to be with someone like them, and that can very well include ethnic background. to each her own, I guess. i can see both sides. :) does that clarify a bit? ~JC

]]> By: Ailurophile http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18941 Ailurophile Tue, 12 Sep 2006 16:33:36 +0000 http://www.mixedmediawatch.com/2006/09/12/be-like-me-and-then-date-me/#comment-18941 I suppose there are reasons that people might want to "target" their dating. I, personally, want to target my dating efforts at people I believe I will be compatible with, which really has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. I doubt I'd be very compatible with a born-again-Christian Republican who is nuts about sports and hates cats. To that end, I've considered joining one of those dating sites for pet lovers and/or a dating site for liberals to meet other liberals. Again, I will emphasize this has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. Just because I'm white doesn't mean I'm going to want to date another white person who loves George W. Bush and thinks that because I'm a pagan I'm going to burn in hell for all eternity and who kicks my cats when I'm not looking. One thing I don't wanna ever, ever, EVER hear from "targeting daters:" "I'm LOOOOOOOOONELY! There are no good men/women out there!" If you set narrow parameters for whom you are willing to date, dandy. Just don't boo-hoo about how that leaves you with a limited dating pool. That's just one of the things that comes with the package. The broader your horizons, the less likely are your lonely Saturday nights. I suppose there are reasons that people might want to “target” their dating. I, personally, want to target my dating efforts at people I believe I will be compatible with, which really has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. I doubt I’d be very compatible with a born-again-Christian Republican who is nuts about sports and hates cats.

To that end, I’ve considered joining one of those dating sites for pet lovers and/or a dating site for liberals to meet other liberals. Again, I will emphasize this has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I’m going to want to date another white person who loves George W. Bush and thinks that because I’m a pagan I’m going to burn in hell for all eternity and who kicks my cats when I’m not looking.

One thing I don’t wanna ever, ever, EVER hear from “targeting daters:” “I’m LOOOOOOOOONELY! There are no good men/women out there!” If you set narrow parameters for whom you are willing to date, dandy. Just don’t boo-hoo about how that leaves you with a limited dating pool. That’s just one of the things that comes with the package. The broader your horizons, the less likely are your lonely Saturday nights.

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