Scared of parenting darker child
JC
Have you ever worried about your kids not looking like you? To take it a step further, what about having kids that are darker than you? Does that scare you? Alternet featured an article written by an adoptive mom who was scared by just that. She talks about the internal struggle of becoming the mother of a child much darker than she — in skin tone.
Back home, after a couple weeks had passed, I stared at Vaishali’s naked bottom — her darkest part — and tried to ignore the insistent whispers of fear. Instead of brimming with pride, I felt like a trespasser, performing ablutions on this private flesh with color so foreign from my own. It was one thing to swoon over her photographs for months, but now she was in my home; she was my family. How could this be my daughter? I looked at her and tried to find similarities between us, relieved that her hair was straight, her lips not too full. Just thinking these thoughts made me feel horribly ashamed. I tried to sort emotion from fact: was it the dark color of her skin that was making me uncomfortable, or just that she did not look like me? I ached to talk to someone about it, but I was too afraid people would disapprove, would doubt my ability to be a loving mother.
I tell you, this sort of concern has been a very common one expressed on the mixed/TRA parenting boards that I have been a part of over the past several years. I have always been uncomfortable about the endless posts around skin tone. Members ask one another to field question after question: “How dark is your child?” and “At what age did your child stop getting darker?” Conversations just stop short of asking “Does anyone out there have a skin whitener they could recommend?” 
Perhaps I am being a bit unforgiving, but if you are going to adopt a child of color or have a mixed child who could potential be “darker” than you, then you better examine your own hang-ups around race and color — in advance.
If you think you are going to be the type of parent who *hopes* that your child stays as light as possible, WAIT. Figure this out and ask yourself why you really want your child to be fair-skinned. Do some work on yourself. The last thing you should do is leave these issues unresolved. Once you have your child, he or she will be perceptive enough to pick up on your discomfort. Raising a child is never easy. Why complicate things by trying to raise a happy and healthy child if you are not ready to accept him or her for everything that he/she is?
gatamala wrote:
Right on Jenn!
At least Vaishali’s mom admitted to herself that her thinking is skewed. That’s about all I can say in her defense.
Her post has been floating around a bit. What struck me was her myopic selfishness toward adopting an Indian girl who she believes would be “like” [?] her (Jewish/Upper E.Side).
Her colorism isn’t the only thing she needs to think about. There is definitely a sense of noblesse oblige behind her decision to adopt this child. I suppose Vaishali was “easier” to get and not a crackbaby.
Ma needs to worry more about being a good mother to Vaishali, than about whether others think she is a good mom. Vaishali doesn’t need shame and pity or colorblindness. She needs a mom who sees her color, loves it, understands and is willing to learn about color/racial/ethnic prejudice (i.e. how she benefits from it) and most of all, willingly and gladly leaves her narrow, narrow environment to belong to one that is healthier for Vaishali.
****NO. I’m not against transracial/transnational adoption. Yes, I realize kids need to eat. I am for painful introspection BEFORE taking on the responsibility of parenthood.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 10:21 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Amen, gatamala…
I’ve seen this around as well, and it’s definitely raising eyebrows. Ideally, everyone should be dealing with internal issues before becoming a parent, biological or adoptive. I’m guessing though that if you haven’t been forced to look at racism/colorism before, it will take a shock like a stranger asking questions to do it. I think what wows people about this article is that so many of the author’s issues seem internal, manifesting eventually in the external.
Personally, I am aware about how colorism will likely affect my family’s life as it grows. I know people may very well look at my child and her/his parents and go “adopted? Mama’s baby Papa’s maybe?”… and this is our BIOLOGICAL child. So I can sort of see where some adoptive parents are coming from… But I’m also looking at it as an opportunity, to let people know that human diversity rarely falls into neat convenient categories, and how awesome and liberating that really is.
Now, what I want is an update from the author, say in 5 years… how will she feel then? How many other experiences will she face where she realizes, as all parents do, that their child is really an individual with their own ideas of what to wear, how to eat, and who to play with, and there are so many more things than color that both seperate you as individuals and unite you as family. I’m hoping the author finds that skin color means nothing next to staying up all night with a feverish puking kid calling you mom, or the same kid telling you that pink is a stupid color and they only like purple now, or suddenly hating a sport that they loved in preschool, or suddenly using slang that you can’t parse, let alone understand…
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 11:03 am ¶
mtevc wrote:
I wonder why this person didn’t think about her “issues” beforehand. Not to discourage people from adopting across races…but if you can’t get past these thoughts, what are you going to transmit to that kid! You have to be open and thoughtful to adopt across racial lines. If you’re not going to be, and if you’re not going to be sensitive to opening that child up to their ethnic traditions, then you can’t be a good parent. The colorism even within the black community…oh goodness…even my mother…medium brown was told to marry someone no darker than a paper bag…and she did, actually someone who was one of those “white appearing black people” as she called him…a biracial person, thank you…but my mother’s comments (she was born in maryland in the 20s) aren’t uncommon…and that legacy remains in our community.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 12:09 pm ¶
dcase wrote:
When adopting a child or even engaging someone else’s child you must examine your prejudices closely because they manifest in strange ways. Being a black man who comes from a family in which many are extremely colorist -for example, my grandfather did not like for my two very light-skinned little sisters to play with the dark-skinned boy next door despite the fact the families have been close for years because ” I don’t want them learning to like black ass niggas”- I have had over the years to unlearn alot of the colorist baggage that was often thrown around when I was growing up.
Even within race adoption sees this same thing. My aunt did not want to experience pregnancy so my uncle and aunt decided to adopt. However, they specifically requested a biracial child because “they didn’t want a someone dark or nappy-headed” as my uncle put it. Both are light skinned and if they said that if they wanted a child that resembled them them rather putting an explicit value on phenotypical characteristics I wouldn’t have minded as much but I was aghast that they would be so crass about something I felt was a good thing.They love him dearly and provide the best education and homelife that their wealth can provide but I can’t help but wonder how many dark-skinned children are passed over by people like my aunt and uncle solely because of their phenotype.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 12:45 pm ¶
Adrianna wrote:
I wonder why she went to India to adopt a child? Why not Eastern Europe if you can’t deal with the fact that your child is dark. Just because she loves Indian culture, dosen’t mean she is equiped to raise an Indian child. When adopting a child if you have to worry about the color of their skin then plaese adopt a child that is the same complexion as you. we don’t need anymore children of color being victims of colorism we have enough of that already. I mean if are going to be the mother of that child and have these hang up about her color then reconsider and adopt someone else. I understand you want to help the kids, but there are more important to worry about them thing like skin color. I also read in the article that there was a black couple who gavve back the baby because she was dark, I mean what has adoption come to with these people, we want a child , but no Dark Child need apply ? It’s disgusting talk about Racsim!!!
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 4:18 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
Wow… I never thought I’d see the day cultural appropriation meets adoption… “I had a connection with India and all those starving children” “But why did I have to get the really dark one?”
To think I had a problem with Angelina Jolie…
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 7:22 pm ¶
mtevc wrote:
Don’t kid yourself guys…colorism is rampant in India too, among Indians themselves. My friend (1st generation Indian woman) and her husband (living now in the U.S., but originally from India) wanted to adopt a child from India. They knew that Indians get priority to adopt, and they really restrict and make it difficult for Americans to adopt Indian children from there. But, they also knew that the Indians looking to adopt wanted two things…a boy, and definitely a lighter skinned one. So, they were anxious to have a child of their own, and sped up the process and said they wanted to adopt a darker girl since color and sex didn’t matter to them. They just wanted to be parents.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 8:54 pm ¶
CW wrote:
As a Caucasian adoptive parent of a child from Asia, I find the comments here to be arrogant and unfair (since when does “connection” equal “cultural appropriation”?). I haven’t read them all, but personally, I have not seen the kind of comments Jen mentions on the adoption boards that I frequent.
I think the essay showed a thoughtful and reflective parent who was being very honest in confronting her feelings about race. I would bet a million dollars that her daugther will grow up with a very strong sense of herself, including her race and culture.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 8:55 pm ¶
Adrianna wrote:
Arrogant, unfair? Dear CW Have you ever dealt with colorism? have you ever known what it feels like to not be wanted because of the color of your skin, because you’re darker? Like I said just because you felt connection with a culture dosen’t mean you don’t have issues when it come to color. Even peole of color have issues with color like mtevc pointed. Unfair i don’t think so arrogant i don’t think so.
Posted 29 Aug 2006 at 9:20 pm ¶
CW wrote:
Adrianna, I was referring to Sewere’s comment, which seemed to equate the adoptive mother’s statement “I had a connection” with cultural appropiation. Isn’t the point to build connections among cultures? One can feel a connection without appropriating a culture. And certainly, her feeling a connection to the culture is a good starting point for raising a daughter rooted in her own culture.
I think the point you make, “just because you felt a connection;….doesn’t mean you don’t have issues when it comes to color….” is the very one that the author was exploring in her essay.
So I don’t understand why all commenters so far have condemned the writer. In an earlier post her about a documentary about Rosie O’Donnell’s adoption cruise, CVK wrote:
” Yet the doc glosses over implications of having mixed-race families; it’s obvious that most of the adults are white and the children black, Asian or mixed race….. I find it fascinating that even within so-called progressive circles, people are still so unaccustomed to and uncomfortable talking about race.”
So, here’s a woman discussing the implications of being a mixed-race family (on Alternet, quite a progressive circle), and she’s being condemned.
Posted 30 Aug 2006 at 12:06 am ¶
mtevc wrote:
CW…you need to read the author’s comments again…she was blown away, basically by the darkness of the skin…and she is then relieved that at least the child’s hair is straight and her lips “not too full”…excuse me…you are being way too kind to the author…read it again…and see if you are still so compassionate…we could understand her fears if they emanated from a sense of “how will the world treat my child” since the world can be unfair to those of color, or immigrants, or not as understanding of mixed race/culture families…no, her comments were coming from her own fears…the fear of the “other”…she was ashamed…and that is her quote, because she should have been ashamed of those thoughts…and i swear she should have explored this more before she adopted…the concern then becomes, can she get over these feelings…maybe some can, and then, maybe some can’t…and that would be horrible for the child…i have 2 children (biological) and one looks like me and one doesn’t…they are biracial…should i feel that way…those thoughts never ever came into my mind…
Posted 30 Aug 2006 at 6:27 pm ¶
mtevc wrote:
oh, and i forgot to say, just because she’s on Alternet doesn’t mean she can’t have a backwards thought…so everyone on Alternet is thoughtful and forward thinking simply because they are happy, cool, progressive folks…that’s a bit naive, don’t you think…
Posted 30 Aug 2006 at 6:29 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
MTEVC,
Thanks, for a second there I was wondering if CW read the same article I did. This “I didn’t know that I was this racist until I adopted this girl but I’m learning so much now, like how I need to use sunscreen” story lacks any redemptive quality. It falls in the false-guilt of the so-called progressive “if I say how bad I feel about my racism people will see that I’m honest and be forgiving.” Well you know what? Fuck you and your fake-ass introspection, introspection is nothing if you are unwilling to go beyond talking about it. Oh and by the way, gettingyour daughter darker friends does do anything to solve the issue as if surrounding her with darker people and she’ll be fine, forget that you still have ISSUES with her being dark-skinned.
Having worked in reproductive health services internationally and programs that serve orphans needing parents, there is no way I would review this woman’s case and allow her to adopt any child without first coming to terms with her racism.
And yes, CW I’m arrogant and unfair, but most importantly I am very angry because I despise racism especially when a child is involved. Just in case you forgot, the point of this forum is to address racism in all of its manifestations.
Posted 30 Aug 2006 at 8:17 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
>Isn’t the point to build connections among cultures? One can feel a connection without appropriating a culture.
I HOPE you’re not saying that the point of international adoptions is “building connections?” ‘Cause that’s just as bad as the idea that interracial relationships and mixed people will SOLVE racism.
>And certainly, her feeling a connection to the culture is a good starting point for raising a daughter rooted in her own culture.
The author doesn’t give much REASON for this connection. What, does she do yoga? Read the Kama Sutra? Given a donation to a Hare Krishna? Of course, I’m being sarcastic. But if she really thought that because there happen to be some Indians who are Jewish (less than 6000 according to one website in a nation of over 1 billion people, and of 4 different sects) that somehow her daughter would like herself with a mild tan, then she hasn’t met very many Indians, traveled to different parts of India, seen more than the Bollywood vision of India. Colorism is alive and well in India; the lower “castes” (de facto, anyway) tend to be the darker people as well as the poorest.
>So I don’t understand why all commenters so far have condemned the writer.
I don’t condemn her, I just expect BETTER from someone claiming to be upper middle class, independent, “progressive,” etc. If you’re that educated, do the research. Did she honestly think that people w/ more melanin don’t need sunscreen? That was appalling to me and deserves condemnation. Does she think prior to getting her daughter that only white people get skin cancer or sunburn? I don’t care what she’s heard (and I know, some people w/ dark skin even believe the myths, including my father until one memorable day at the beach) - it’s just… uneducated.
>So, here’s a woman discussing the implications of being a mixed-race family (on Alternet, quite a progressive circle), and she’s being condemned.
Sorry, but I’m with mtevc: she isn’t discussing what she and her daughter have faced as a multiracial family. She’s discussing her own deep-down prejudices and the “lessons” she’s learned. What does she want, a cookie? (Chris Rock TM)
Here’s a question though: If the mother was, say, African-American, adopting a Latino or European-descent child, and being this… sorry, clueless, about basic traits and care and race issues, would you be as accepting? One of the subtlest forms of institutional racism is the idea (and often fact) that “white” people in our society usually do not HAVE to deal with ethnic minorities socially unless they deliberately seek them out (or live in a REALLY diverse area)… when they do branch out, with much back-patting, they may label themselves free and clear of prejudice. Meanwhile, ethnic minorities for the most part are expected to know about “white” people, as the still-dominant image in our society.
Posted 30 Aug 2006 at 11:50 pm ¶
CW wrote:
Yeah, we read the same article. I wondered the same about your views on it. I did notice that in the discussion over at Alternet, there were some poster who are closer to my views. This piece obviously evokes strong feelings on both sides.
A few replies:
RE: oh, and i forgot to say, just because she’s on Alternet doesn’t mean she can’t have a backwards thought…so everyone on Alternet is thoughtful and forward thinking simply because they are happy, cool, progressive folks…that’s a bit naive, don’t you think…
……..I was only saying that CVK criticized the fact that there is no discussion of race in progressive circles. Alternet is a progressive circle; I was describing the mileu; not necessarily the content of the discussion or the character of the people there.
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RE: Here’s a question though: If the mother was, say, African-American, adopting Latino or European-descent child, and being this… sorry, clueless, about basic traits and care and race issues, would you be as accepting?
……….I don’t think she is clueless; I think she is working hard to confront her feelings on race. And I would be as accepting of anyone.
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RE: I HOPE you’re not saying that the point of international adoptions is “building connections?” ‘Cause that’s just as bad as the idea that interracial relationships and mixed people will SOLVE racism.
……..No, I wasn’t saying that. I was disputing Sewere’s equating appropriation with the author’s statement that she felt a connection.
****************************
RE: (To the writer of the article): Fuck you and your fake-ass introspection….(To me) Just in case you forgot, the point of this forum is to address racism in all of its manifestations.”
……I didn’t forget the point, there was nothing to suggest I did. I thought a forum was a discussion, not a fuck-you fest.
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 12:43 am ¶
mtevc wrote:
i don’t want this to devolve into nasty words…we need thoughtful and polite discussion for this whole thing to move forward (even though i know this can be heated as so much emotion is attached to it…emotion rooted in feelings of hurt…identity)…but my point is this…the progressive guise is merely that at points…the author still hasn’t gotten at the heart of the matter…i wonder who counseled her before approving this adoption…the author has yet to confront the real problem here, and that is the essential problem with her comments…i hate articles that profess some moment of “self-realization” when the author is still so clueless…the concern here is that there is a child involved…will this woman have this child associate with brown folk only…or will she associate in mixed and more thoughtful circles…will her daughter grow up wishing she were white, because of explicit and implicit things that her mother will do…people are bizarre…you have to look at this, as best you can, from the outsider’s perspective…and i have even had Indian friends say to me that they are concerned when they see other Indians who want to divest themselves of their culture, religion, etc…watch the movie American Desi if you get a chance! Hilarious! You can never imagine what will come from white people…and i am married to a white man, and even he is perplexed by what white people have said to him, about black people, asians, hispanics, our biracial children (sometimes i hear some of the comments, since people don’t always know i am black, and might assume i am hispanic)…but there are other times, when people know I am black and since my one daughter is blond and has green eyes, i have even had white women say to me, “how did YOU get a blond haired daughter, when I didn’t get one”…exact quote (i never explained that, at the end of the day, she still looks like me in many ways, but the color thing got them crazy…i am light skinned and my father was fair, with blonds in the background, but i needn’t discuss all of this)…and there was another woman who assumed that my daughter was by my husband’s first (imaginary) marriage…sheesh, she had imagined this whole other relationship to explain away my daughter’s complexion and hair color…and another who asked me (stupidly) if i had adopted her…that was the funniest (when’s the last time you saw the adoption agencies giving a blond haired child to a black woman)…HA!
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 9:32 am ¶
Sewere wrote:
mtevc, I can’t appreciate your even-handedness enough but at the moment I’ve lost all patience for “explaining” blatant racism and being told that my protests are arrogant and unfair.
CW,
You may be resistant to the label and try to discuss how this article is not racist perhaps you are not aware that racism identified by the author is not being addressed by just professing it and then (jokingly) addressing it with an anecdote about sunblock. Am I missing something from the article because I don’t understand how it shows that the writer is “working hard to confront her racism”?
Nevertheless, we who are the ‘beneficiaries’ of racism are aware of what the predominant perpertrators of racism have done to countless Native American, African, Asian, Native Australian, Pacific Islander and all other non-white children, all in the name of providing them a “loving” home. Any wonder why the National Association of Black Social Workers does not support transracial adoption (even if I strongly disagree with some of their points, this example goes to prove one of their main points).
And yes, sometimes there is a place for the emotional “fuck you”, especially when I am told that I’m being “arrogant and unfair” for calling out racism.
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 5:31 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
I wanted to add,
How is it that when people of color call out racism based on what we faced and outline the racism, being “arrogance and unfairness” is how we are laballed? I mean how many times do does one have to spell what cultural appropriation is - how deep is her “connection” with Indian culture when she’s uncomfortable with the color of an Indian child? You “love” the culture but the people are still alien (by virtue of skin color) to you….
I would really like to understand this charge of being “arrogant and unfair” because it seems to imply that we put ourselves in the writer’s shoes to see things from her perspective of trying to be a parent and harboring racist thoughts so that we judge her “fairly”…. Lest you forget, confession is not the same as confrontation unless you have more information about the article or the author that you would like to share…
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 6:29 pm ¶
Adrianna wrote:
Thank you mtevc and Sewere for explaining to CW, CW didn’t get it. Sewere As for” Any wonder why the National Association of Black Social Workers does not support transracial adoption” I don’t know if they are qualify either to place children of color in proper home because you have people of color who have colorism issue, even the author said it in her article about how one black couple gave back the child when they found her to be to dark. children should be placed where they are going to find love and not be judged on the color of their skin, imagine, that black couple had not been able to give back the little, they would probably ask her as she grows up to latter herself in skin lightning cream so could be more acceptable to them.
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 7:53 pm ¶
Adrianna wrote:
Sorry the woman did not talk about the African American couple in her article it was another article in response to the woman article on blogher http://blogher.org/node/9833
Posted 31 Aug 2006 at 8:31 pm ¶
mtevc wrote:
the national association of black social workers is run by rubes…i am sorry, but that is true…they couldn’t place my dog…the things that have been said by this supposed professional organization gall me…i support transracial adoption if that is the most expedient adoption and as long as the prospective parents have their head and heart in the right place…this appreciates the culture thing bothers me though…did she eat some vindaloo and decide she could deal???
Posted 01 Sep 2006 at 12:04 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
Adrianna and Mtevc,
I definitely agree that the Association of Black Social Workers have many issues and I disagree with quite a few of their arguments against transracial adoption, however, they still have a few valid points, namely
CAVEAT: I really hate using the black-white dichotomy but I can’t seem to be able to come up with another way of articulating this point (any help would be greatly appreciated).
1. Children of color (and particularly black children) are more likely to be placed in foster system and hence put up for adoption than white children in the same circumstances. This is because (and current research supports see NABSW and childwelfare.gov websites for references) black families are more likely to be reported for neglect and abuse than families of white families. Additionally, children of color are less likely to be reconciled with their families than white children because they are more likely to be kept in the system longer.
2. White parents have, historically been openly racist and abusive to their transracially adopted children. Even though this is less likely to be the case nowadays, many a white parent(s) (not all) are more likely to be unprepared to face their ignorance of issues relating to race and racism, and as such are less likely to be prepared to help their adopted children cope with the impact of race and racism (think the colorblind/we are all the same/I have many friends and have a connection with X people - a exemplified by the writer of the alternet article). Their hearts may be in the right place, but we all know how much of a conqueror love is when it comes to issues of race and racism.
3. The NABSW may have a policy discouraging transracial adoption of black children by white parents, however, they are bound by federal and state laws and regulations (the Multiethnic Placement Act) from preventing white parents from adopting black children, *especially* when the parents have shown that they are aware of the importance of the child’s ethnicity and identity. The same cannot be said about the experiences of non-white parents who are able and willing to adopt white children.
4. The significance of the transracial adoption isn’t that it is the larger portion of adoptions (rough estimates from the childwelfare.gov show that it was between 8-20%) it is that the significant number of transracial adoptions are white parent(s) and child of color. The fact remains that white parent(s) are more likely to be wealthier and encouraged to adopt children of color (except for black children of course), but the larger questions should be a)what aspect does racism play in this dynamic and how can we counter it? b) what are the experiences of non-white parents in adopting intra and trans-racially?
I’m tight on time right now but I’ll be sure to finish my thoughts by next week. Just caught Prof. Rachel S’ piece on transracial adoption. You should definitely read it.
CVK and JC, can’t wait for your ATR’s episode on transracial adoption.
Posted 01 Sep 2006 at 2:38 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
Adrianna,
I should also add that dcase had a similar story of a relatives who had preferences for a light-skinned black child and if further highlights your issue with internalized racism. However, if this case mirrors the larger context of intr-racism (racism within the group against members of the group) vs. inter-racism (racism by one group against the other, in this case whites against blacks), then the incidence and impact of inter-racism is higher and harder than intra-racism.
Posted 01 Sep 2006 at 3:42 pm ¶
Sewere wrote:
Rachel S’ debate is on http://www.rachelstavern.com/?p=196#comments
Posted 01 Sep 2006 at 3:47 pm ¶