Ask New Demographic: My friend will only date within her race. Why am I offended?
CVK & JC
Our November New Demographic newsletter features a double-dose of advice. First up, we answer a question from a woman who feels that her friend’s insistence on dating only Asian men is a subtle attack on her interracial relationship. Check out our answer here:
Q: I’m an Asian woman married to a white man. One of my girlfriends (also Asian) only dates Asian guys because she says she’s not physically attracted to men of other racial or ethnic backgrounds. I respect her choice, but I also notice how often she complains about not being able to find a guy she’s compatible with. I can’t help but wonder why she won’t even consider dating a non-Asian guy if she’s having such a hard time finding someone. But when I ask her about it, she gets really angry and says things like, “Why does everyone give me such a hard time about this? Why can’t they just leave me alone and understand that I only like Asian guys?” I can’t really explain why, but it bothers me that she’s making race a criterion in her search for a boyfriend. I know she loves me and my husband, and she loves that we’re a couple, but her insistence on being only with Asian guys still makes me uneasy. On some level I feel like it’s a subtle attack or criticism of my interracial relationship.
Antonia wrote:
I think people should not be critized for prefering somebody that looks like them and shares the same background as well as for wanting their children to have the same phenotype as themselves.
The problem only starts when you critize others for dating interracially.
People shouldn’t be forced to to mix. Otherwise it will be tyranny.
Posted 07 Nov 2005 at 9:11 pm ¶
Dear Aunty Tan, wrote:
“her insistence on being only with Asian guys still makes me uneasy. On some level I feel like it’s a subtle attack or criticism of my interracial relationship.”
In short, you are projecting your own guilt complex onto her. Do you buy into derogatory stereotypes about Asian men - as more foreign and less attractive/manly? Thus, of lower social status? Ever feel bad about that?
Do you also have girlfriends who only date White men? I know many, many Asian-Americans who do. Well, if you conversely feel “supported” by those Asian women who only date White men vs feeling subtly “attacked” by them, then your objections are completely your own hypocritical problem, not your friend’s…
Posted 14 Nov 2005 at 8:02 pm ¶
Old Goat wrote:
Ah, sorry, but this smacks of someone trying to make a point by putting up a hypothetical then using the logic behind the answer to prove something else. If the writer of the email wanted to hear a justification for AF/WM relationships, just ask for one! If by some miracle the letter is true, then, how about the writer just supports her friend’s right to her own tastes and try and find a nice Asian guy to fix her up with. That what a real friend should do, right? Or is it better to be judgemental and then turn your friend’s preference into an attack on your marriage?
Posted 15 Nov 2005 at 8:15 pm ¶
John wrote:
I enjoy & admire what Jen & Carmen are doing w/ the various organizations.
BUT I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED to read Jen/Carmen’s answer: “It’s probably true… (she’s) attracted to Asian men. But it’s possible that she also feels- consciously or not- duty bound…”
Lets be real. If the woman says “I know that she loves me and my husband… but her insistence on being only w/ Asian guys makes ME uneasy”- who really has the problem, here?
It’s kind of a bummer that Jen & Carmen missed the point and you have to click on the comments to hear the other side.
Posted 17 Nov 2005 at 1:59 am ¶
White Widow wrote:
^ Agreed. It’s like potheads who get offended by friends who prefer not to smoke. Ironically, they then judge them just like they are subconsciously judging themselves. In essence, selfishly making others pay for their own guilt-trip.
Overall, it’s amazing the sheer peer pressure women have to face these days against simply dating Asian men. I’d imagine her friend could write a similar griping letter about THAT - but she is probably not as big a self-absorbed whiner as this guilt-ridden Twinkie.
Posted 17 Nov 2005 at 5:07 pm ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
from “unknown” original author:
>>I know she loves me and my husband, and she loves that we’re a couple, >>but her insistence on being only with Asian guys still makes me uneasy. On >>some level I feel like it’s a subtle attack or criticism of my interracial >>relationship.
This is a really, really easy question to answer.
01.) It is no surprise to you that *mostly* all Asian women are dating outside of their own race, whether they can speak english or not (particularly *mandarin speaking women* from Taiwan and now China is following the game). Much of it on the male side that dates them knows that it is not geniune, but rather score the home-run before the game is over. Asian women knows this also, but will deny indefinitely and say/tell their friends/family that she is and both of them are in much love and tries too, too hard to hold on. IN REALITY, it’s just a short fling (if you are an Asian woman reading this, DO NOT DENY this B.S.) and obviously I’m just answering your question of guilt…and when you get shaft like a dirty old rag one day soon like I have seen many, eventually you will have no choice but to crawl back your Asian roots sooner or later. But I do feel very sorry for the poor Asian guy that will eventually pick up the dirty crumbs afterwards when reality strikes.
02.) The ultimate “answer” to your question, here goes…
Your friend(s) make you feel uncomfortable? Well, I will make you feel uncomfortable too. I am what you might hinder in the back of both of your heads as a “threat” or a “comeback”. I am a young American guy of Cantonese descent and currently with my fiance of 5 years, she is not oriental, but before that, I have dated South American Latin (white), American Irish, etc.
Why does this makes YOU feel uncomfortable too? I have observed this whenever I am in public waiting outside for my fiance in the shop, when you come walking down the block towards me, you ” show off” and FLAUNT loudly to make sure I look at you and your non-Asian boyfriend (every asian girl/women does this) and when you come close and realized, you’ve discovered that the woman that is with me is NOT Asian ,you immediately shut down your voice and your heads bow down, your boyfriend seemed awe-strucked at my fiance (she is part Middle Eastern/Aryan…does that consider Asian or Oriental?) and you see the corner of his eyes admiring my woman with the corner of your eyes…*guilt* on both sides?? Suddenly, you want to disappear out of there so fast before you embarrass yourselves more.
Yes, you feel uncomfortable about your friend because she is more genuine than you and you’re trying to force and exploit your selfish guilt upon her. Last but not least, you have another thing to feel uncomfortable about, which is guys like me that dates or married to non-Asians…so you have a problem with both ends or you’re just too simply can’t look yourself in the mirror. Most Asian women like yourselves for example want such things or territorial materials to themselves, when they see that the opposite from their own race succeeded more profoundly, therefore they feel threaten, hopeless, agitated, embarrassed for themselves and for their lack of better word “uneasy” (this also apply to the males they are dating). These are true traits to selfishness and I am glad that I am not in your circle of hopeless fantasy.
Posted 30 Nov 2005 at 2:16 pm ¶
John wrote:
Dear Comment Moderator-
As a proud Asian American male who survived an era of Long Duck Dong, I respectfully request that you reconsider posting additional comments from Symphony-X on the grounds that I might jam my head in the oven w/ the Christmas turkey.
Posted 07 Dec 2005 at 5:15 pm ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
Dear “Long Duck Dong”,
The truth hurts doesn’t it? You think everybody that comes in this forum are idiots? You are a proud Asian American because you survived an era of “Long Duck Dong”? Wow, let us here congratulate you and hand you the *Medal of Honor* for your bravery and GREAT ACHIEVEMENT.
You are either:
01) Exploiting yourself (whoever you are)
02) An idiot, IF you are who you described yourself wanting your mind to program the way you live your life as a “survivor”, this is not war you fairy, you have every right but you can’t hold your head up and present yourself? I can see why you have a disadvantage here. Maybe you really need to jam that head in the oven with that turkey of yours!
As a proud American of Cantonese descent, I think you are completely envious of guys like me. “John Duck Dong”, just admit the truth that you are NOT who you are behind your nick name, you just want to revive the stereotype so the disadvantage will grow again. YOU are exactly what I described in my above post…figure it out yet, pity?
Posted 08 Dec 2005 at 4:26 am ¶
John wrote:
Symphony-x,
At least you’re breaking ONE stereotype- we aren’t all brainiacs.
Are you high or just can’t read?
Posted 08 Dec 2005 at 9:30 pm ¶
Anonymous wrote:
^Was that english?
Posted 09 Dec 2005 at 11:59 am ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
More power to you John.
The issue here is not long duck dong as you bought in as a stereotype and I didn’t break any, I was simply being myself. But questions and one’s opinions needed to be address here and I made my point(s) strongly, just remember, my opinions are harsh, but I speak the truth.
If my friend(s) come up to my girlfriend and I raising questions about wanting to date someone their own race, neither one of us would have an issue and would gladly hear them out and input our feedback for them and the best part about it is that there will be no heated debate and tension…why the guilt trip? I have seen too many, I mean too, too many a/f & w/m couples that seem to carry the same behavior traits. I’ll give you in, the other day I was stopping at a busy intersection and there’s this Asian women crossing the sidewalk, I was paying attention to some store but couldn’t help and thought someone was turning their head towards my way constantly and I can see it in the corner of my eye while she was crossing, I noticed this because the car next to me was looking straight ahead then immediately looked at me, then I looked straight and she was not paying attention in traffic but she wanted to flaunt her new-born (obviously mixed) and made sure I was looking. This is the issue and I don’t mind when people date (I don’t care how it’s interwoven racially) as long as they show some respect and self confidence for themselves and their genuine love towards each other and stop making a fool out of themselves, till then, me and maybe the public eyes or maybe themselves wouldn’t have any *uneasy* problems. Flaunting it looked really, really stupid and I have seen white & non-white couples, Hispanic couples, even *pure* Asian couples shaking their heads and it despises them and the same reaction as much of it goes for me.
But the ultimate opinions that I have been longing to hear is: why is that they *flaunt* so much to Asian men, but feels so uneasy and agitated while & when they see Asian men with non-Asian women coming their way (and they’re not even flaunting it)…why?
Posted 09 Dec 2005 at 5:26 pm ¶
Anonymous wrote:
THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR LONG PERSONAL BLOGS.
Posted 12 Dec 2005 at 12:01 am ¶
Xack wrote:
I basically agree with the 1st 5 comments. Too bad the topic was hijacked.
ps- John,
I can appreciate your knee-jerk reaction to SymphX. Like you, I’m very sensitive when it comes to negative images of Asian men.
But understand this: caricatures in the media can be dealt with, while people like SymphX are real and should be left alone.
Realize that there are Asian men who speak in broken English while appearing clueless of their surroundings (in Symph’s case, believing that everyone either wants him or is jealous of him) in real life.
William Hung speaks in broken English and believes that people love his singing. If you told WH that he was the equivalent of Long Duck Dong, he would not understand either.
Posted 13 Dec 2005 at 6:20 pm ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
>>>Anonymous Says:
December 12th, 2005 at 12:01 am
>>>THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR LONG PERSONAL BLOGS.
……………….
Did I hear this correctly, what you said above?? MixedMediaWatch.com wasn’t started based on scripted stereotyped casts & its portrayals based on fictions. Reality is it, you are either IN or OUT! Everyone here I assume regards their opinions personally (including the original authors’ questions). You either post your original harsh or ~soft~ “unscripted” statements here or send your fantasies to the “Joy Luck Club” forum if you don’t want to get real and face reality. I am not degrading anyone but only point out the very truth and mirror a picture so maybe one day, the whole issue here would not seem so *uneasy*. This is to filter out the good and the bad, perhaps to help resolve more genuine relationships such as these we’re speaking of.
So it’s okay to open up and swallow the whole AF/WM topics, issues and their problems here but when an American Asian male stepped up to the plate and took the podium, all of a sudden it can’t be real?
Posted 14 Dec 2005 at 11:48 am ¶
Anonymous wrote:
No- you didn’t ‘hear this correctly’, as usual.
STICK TO THE TOPIC!!!!!
BLOG ON YOUR OWN SPACE, ASSHOLE!
Posted 16 Dec 2005 at 3:22 pm ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
>>>BLOG ON YOUR OWN SPACE, ASSHOLE!
……………………..
One more thing, not that you are concerned about blogging space since you were merely contributing. So stop unleashing your misery if you have similar personal problems, like the subject we’re on judging by your outcome. So if you’re here looking for instructions on how to deal with your problems, behave like a little kitty or contribute instead of mocking (I’m not surprise a poster like you will entail anyway) otherwise take your misery elsewhere!
Posted 17 Dec 2005 at 9:21 am ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
John Says:
December 8th, 2005 at 9:30 pm
>At least you’re breaking ONE stereotype- we aren’t all brainiacs.
Xack Says:
December 13th, 2005 at 6:20 pm
>Like you, I’m very sensitive when it comes to negative images of Asian >men. But understand this: caricatures in the media can be dealt with, >while people like SymphX are real and should be left alone. Realize that >there are Asian men who speak in broken English…………
The epitome of imbeciles, though surely, victims to the negative media portrayal of Asian male. Broken “engrish” or not, does NOT entitle you to safe-harbor stereotyping and yet kindly ignoring the facts! Therefore you are laying blueprints for the travesties to pave its way up your very own alley. For this, you shall be dealt with for as long as you live. Need I draw the line for you? Needless to say, many discussions such as these will never serve a redeemable purpose to you.
Sorry, I end my advocacy here & good luck to you.
Posted 17 Dec 2005 at 12:35 pm ¶
Xack wrote:
Symphony-X,
I’ll spell it out for you:
John was comparing YOU to the Donger.
Why? Because your English is ridiculous & you’re clueless.
My advice to John was to leave YOU alone because you’re a real guy, not some character on TV. Fight negative stereotypes in the media, but leave guys like YOU alone.
OMG!
Posted 17 Dec 2005 at 9:58 pm ¶
Symphony-X wrote:
What part of english don’t you guys understand? Or should I ease up and cater to your style? Get a grip of yourselves. Obviously he is comparing the DUCK to himself and I am aware of your advised to him. If my critique on the subject makes you clueless, then maybe you are. My apologies to you if I offend you in any way, but your statements do not sum up to your senses.
Posted 18 Dec 2005 at 4:01 am ¶
John wrote:
I was comparing you to the Duck.
Posted 18 Dec 2005 at 6:01 pm ¶
GO wrote:
“If you told William Hung he was the equivalent of Long Duck Dong, WH would’nt understand either.”
-’nuff said.
Posted 19 Dec 2005 at 10:23 pm ¶
DJDana wrote:
“… your statements do not sum up to your senses.”
~Yikes!
Maybe he’s just a guy who needs to crack a book open once in a while.
Posted 22 Dec 2005 at 2:56 pm ¶
chloelin wrote:
DJ, you’re being kind.
Symphony-X not only sounds like a psycho, he’s also the model for the accented foreigner schtik that’s accepted in the media.
Posted 23 Dec 2005 at 5:48 am ¶