Are black relationships inherently dysfunctional?
CVK
Anyway, AOL Blackvoices published a Q&A column in which a reader asked whether it’s true that black men are drawn to white women because they’re nicer than black women. The response was chock-full of awful, awful racial stereotypes, about both whites and blacks. Like…
–white women are nicer to black men because they’re cutting them slack for having to live in a racist society.
–black women have more health and weight issues because they all eat fried food
–black men think it’s ok for them to date interracially but flip out on black women who choose to date white men
But I’m not even gonna get into any of that. What I was most intrigued by was this statement:
These brothers believe that the grass is greener on the other side — an escape from the complexities of black relationships. Because we are victims and survivors of slavery and day-to-day racism, we as a people are blessed but stressed. That legacy affects all aspects of our interactions as people of color, often making our relationships problematic…
This is something that comes up time and time again: the idea that black men dating interracially are doing so as a cop-out, they’re taking the easy way out. But why doesn’t anyone bother to challenge this notion that relationships between black men and women are inherently dysfunctional? Does everyone seriously believe that there’s no such thing as a healthy, well-adjusted black couple?
Of course I’m aware that tensions do exist, and that many blacks deal with a unique set of circumstances that no other group faces. Like, the fact that slavery pretty much destroyed the institution of family, that sky-high incarceration rates keep families apart, that facing racism on a daily basis creates stress, that harsh child support payment collection laws have ruined relationships between ex-couples, etc.
But still, it seems to me that this stereotype of the inescapably tension-ridden black relationship is extremely harmful. Because if you accept that notion, then the argument for why blacks should date within their own race becomes one of responsibility and duty and obligation: Yes it’s going to suck, yes you’re going to argue a lot, yes you’ll probably be deeply unhappy most of the time, but it’s your racial obligation to just put up with it, so just deal. Nobody is going to find that an attractive option.
Keya wrote:
I do believe that some black men (not all) that date white women do believe the grass is greener on the other side. Some men just want to date white women because they had awful relationships with black women. They say they don’t want anymore drama, so they date white women, thinking they won’t get drama from them.
There are such things as a healthy, well adjusted black couple. Most of the couples I know are that way. Black men who date outside their race are very few compared to black men who date black women. We aren’t going to see a man from the hood with a white women. We would most likely see an educated black man with a white woman. Why is that? Even when we attend professional schools there are more black females, than males. My problem with the black males that I’ve encountered, who were educated, was that they didn’t want to commit. They just want to sit on the side lines and be playa’s because they know there are few of them, and every girl wants them. Out of all the black on black relationships I’ve been in, I’ve never experienced tension, I’ve just been with guys who didn’t want more than what we had, and I had to move on. I am engaged to a white man now. It wasn’t something that I planned, I just met him, then fell in love.
Posted 28 Jun 2005 at 12:07 am ¶
jerome wrote:
black men that date white women are sell outs,same as black women dating white men,they dont like their own people
Posted 06 Jul 2005 at 4:12 am ¶
Sabrina wrote:
Why can’t people just acknowledge that people are attracted to others for a variety of reasons like attraction and mutual interests?
Some of those stereotypes are pretty bad but then black women catch it if they date white men…and the stereotypes about those I/R’s are just as hateful!
We who like a little “cream in our coffee” are accused of being greedy gold-diggers just looking for security (as if all white men are rich), or that we are fearful or hateful of black men, or we just can’t get a black man so we “settled” for a white man, or we’re just self-loathing. There are some who go so far as to claim black women date white men for a specific sexual practice which i won’t mention here. And heaven forbid you should ever break up, then there was only one fault–you were the wrong color and they couldn’t “handle it”….never mind what the real circumstances are! All of that stuff is just stupid and ridiculous…and people like the ones on that message board need to quit living their lives as though they were Jerry Springer guests!
Posted 06 Jul 2005 at 8:58 pm ¶
merq wrote:
Ignoring the idiots that called interracial daters “sellouts,” I’ve dated my share of Black *and* White women, and I will say that the most “drama” I encountered was from a White woman.
But does that mean I’m stupid enough to label all White women as “drama queens?” Or, more aptly, does society and the media *depict* White women as “drama queens?”
No.
Instead, they show Shaniqua in all her neck-twisting, finger twirling/snapping glory. Yes, America. *She* is the definition of a Black woman.
Posted 09 Jul 2005 at 9:49 am ¶
greg presley wrote:
there are cultural differences that no one is willing to accept or may not even even know exists. For instance, during slavery, black female slaves were taught by slave owners to raise there male offspring dependent, weak- minded and horrifyingly fearful of whites. Thus, to this day, the system in place still enforcing laws that help exlude black fathers from black families, reducing black households to be 70-80% female lead. Consequently, black women still percieve most black men as lazy, dependent, weak-minded individuals. So contrary to what today’s angry black women might say, many politicians, black atheletes, black actors, young successful black businessmen, etc. find it un-intelligent to date or marry any woman who feels this way about them. We really need to study our history in this country to get a greater understanding of black relationships.
Posted 09 Aug 2005 at 12:57 am ¶
STACEY BREWER wrote:
I am a black man who has dated both black and white women. While many black women look down upon black men for dating white women, it is often not the same stereotype with black women dating white men. As for me personally, I prefer white women and I don’t look down upon any black woman for dating a white man. I just find myself more attracted to the beautiful white women then I would with a black woman. Any black man who tells me that he does not like white woman is a liar. Society ingrains it upon our minds that the white woman is the ideal symbol of beauty and sex and many black men falls for what society puts in their minds. Personally, I like the way a white woman smiles, walks, talks, makes love, and handles business. I have dated women of other races besides white women but I find myself constantly going back to the white women because I am treated better and I am viewed as a person, not whether I was a black man or not. I have had been in relationships with black women who tell me that I don’t act black enough or speak black enough. When I was in a relationship, sexual relationship, or friendship with a white woman I was never constantly put down for this and that. It seem like the white women where more accepting of me as a person. Black women where always a lot of work for me, complain too much, argumentative, bossy, and not romantic enough for me. With a white woman the quality of the relationship was much better, the sex was better, I was treated and made to feel more like a man. There are black man and black woman relationships but many black men in these relationships tell me that they are not happy with black women. Then again I have heard things like many black women tell me that white men have treated them better then black men did. So it can go both ways. If black women want to keep their black men then they have to take some serious lessons from the white women.
Posted 25 Aug 2005 at 5:32 pm ¶
Tony wrote:
I have dated both black and white women and I must say that the white woman I married (now divorced) was just as bad as Shaniqua. At times she deserved…Nah, I wont say what she deserved. Women are women and men are men, and we all have issues that are unique to the individual based on your character, or lack there of.
I don’t think black relationships are inherently dysfunctional any more than any other race. I know plenty of white couples who’s relationship are just as crappy as black folks.
Posted 04 Sep 2005 at 11:15 am ¶
Pete wrote:
Stacey Brewer is a foolish misguided man.
Posted 04 Sep 2005 at 5:37 pm ¶
S.T. wrote:
It never fails that when conversing about mixed relationships, someone has to bash black women (usually black men and white women-suprise!). I find it funny that while a black man can go trhough life mistreated by dozens of stuck-up, racist white women and men, he NEVER resorts to dissing the whole race. But when he dates five ghetto black women-then ALL black women are bad. If that is not a sellout, then nobody is. There is not a black man in America that can tell me he hasn’t run into tons snotty white women. They are all over the place! No. It’s much easier for the black man, and any other man to look down on us, because the world is racist against blacks and sexist against women-that puts us at the bottom, and it’s always easier to pick on those at the bottm. That’s a punk for you!
With the Black dead beat baby rate quickly approaching 70%, I really have to question why WE are looked down upon. Many black men act like they have joined the Ku Klux Klan. Grow up! If you’re gonna date white women, do it WITHOUT dogging other people! Who the hell approaches somebody thinking “I want to date you because I don’t want to date …”? Yeah, that’s flattering!
Posted 20 Sep 2005 at 12:32 pm ¶
debbie wrote:
We all are different from each other. Discussing differences in personality and background is normal in a relationship. Nevertheless, it should not be the sole basis as to whether your current relationship is right or not. If you really love that person, then you must accept what he/she is. The important thing is, the person beside you completes your being. Having a relationship with him/her gives you a certain happiness in life because you know deep inside he/she is the right person for you.
Posted 27 Sep 2005 at 7:39 am ¶
BLB wrote:
I absolutely agree with S.T. When a black man has a bad experience with a couple of ghetto black girls, he wants to run to the white race and diss the entire African-American female community. It is sad how a black man will constantly “dog” and misuse a black woman, but will love and cherish a white woman. White people have always had the upper hand in society. Whenever a black man gets a successful career such a basketball player or something, he chooses to marry a white woman and make her life more easy. You and I both know that the white woman wouldn’t give a DAMN about him if his BLACK ASS if he didn’t have any money; he would be just another “DUMB”, “NIGGER” to her.
Posted 13 Oct 2005 at 4:41 pm ¶
Pamela wrote:
Well I am white and I was married to an african american man who always told me that black women are more beautiful and that balck men in general are only really attracted to black women. He constanly hurt me. I have a bi racial child called leilah who he does not care less about he left me for a black woman.
Posted 18 Oct 2005 at 3:23 pm ¶
Greg Presley wrote:
Why in the hell would Pamela marry someone who said those things anyway? By the way, for the one who stated that successful black men couldn’t score a white woman without his money, (laughing) I have some news that you probably don’t want to hear. So close your ears! If you look at most successful black men’s background, the “other race” of women were usually there from the beginning, when the black man was struggling. Kobe Bryant, Taye Diggs, Cuba Gooding Jr., etc., all knew their wives before their stardom. The list goes on and on. Black women are in denial, and black men who suck up, just want sex from black women.
Posted 20 Oct 2005 at 2:09 am ¶
Janice wrote:
Well, this subject is kind of getting old. I think that we are all beating around the bush. The problem isn’t white women or white men, it is us. We black women complain about what black men do or don’t do and black men do the same as well. The truth is, if we black women weren’t consistently getting hurt by black men we wouldn’t have to worry about the “few” good black men out their getting taken away by white women, there would be a whole bunch of good black men to go around. Yes, black women can be stubborn, strong-willed and dominating, but have black men asked themselves why? We had to wear the pants in the family because the men weren’t. Yes white women can be more gentle or not as dominating but that is because as young ladies their fathers were taking care of them, leading the family, paying bills and taking them to father- daughter dances; being men. Black women didn’t have time to be soft and feminine (NOT THAT THEY CAN’T BE) but they were to busy getting ready to go to work at the shop. That is the way it went. We had to be strong. It is hilarious how black men say, all these black women around here with babies, as if they made them by themselves.
Reality check: There are just as many baby daddies as there are baby mommas.
So, yes I agree black women can be hard to deal with, but that is only because black men didn’t do their jobs as men leading a household and we ended up having to do it.
Now is this because black men wouldn’t or they couldn’t? I am sorry, but I am having to wonder now. I just keep hearing about black men leaving families behind, not paying child support, blaming every little thing on women……the list is so long I don’t have room to write it.
I mean what does this really say about their manhood? Hmmm?
Black women need to wake up. Get a degree and a good paying job, stop depending on these black men and take care of yourself….oh wait……we’re already doing that!
Posted 03 Nov 2005 at 2:32 am ¶
CC wrote:
I’m personally, can say that, many black men the trashy,fat,cracked headed white chick on a petistal.However,do i care anymore.NO, thats their problem,where they feel white women are goddesses.Huh,ok they can feel that way. But statics have proven that it is us black women caring the black race,their are more black women getting their doctor,master,B.A, B.S WHAT EVER TO achieve in life.While are brothers who repeatly, incourage the American stero type of a black women.Its funny these days ,the image of a black men .You guys who date the snown bunnies ,etc……feel that it gives you about image.LOL.The only image a black men has in America basically is being GAY,A SELL OUT, A thug , A animal.But you have your white women by your side to make you feel better i guess, I love my brothers but I have given up on them because they have given up on. I mean if the true love God has put in my life is black let him be. But right now I hope not, I want the latino , white and Asian MEN IN my life
Posted 08 Nov 2005 at 7:02 pm ¶
Serenasailor@yahoo.com wrote:
I find it funny as a black man who happens to love black women see the sterotypes of black male/female relationships usually perpetuated by other black people. Let me start of by saying that I am a proud black man. I see the inner/outer strenght of all of my women.
Let me state some facts to you people. When it comes to interracial relationships African/ Americans are the least likely of all other ethnic groups to date interracially. About 85% of all interracial relationships in this country occur between white men and Asian women. Second are Hispanics. Which really does not count because Hispanic can be of any race. So a white Hispanic who dates/marries a black or Indian Hispanic can still be regarded as interracial dating. But, when it comes to Black men and women we are the least likely of all to date and marry interracially. While only 4% of Black women date and marry interracially only 8% of Black men date and marry interracially. Some studies say different things like 5% of black women and 9% of Black men. I also saw a study that showed 8% of black men and 10% of Black women. The gap is not that wide.
When it comes to interracial dating there are many factors such as: Social differences, Racism, and Economic differences. While some black men do desire white women studies show the the least likely of all interracial relationships in the country occur between whites and blacks, because of our racist past.
Unfortunely, we still live in America and whether you want to believe it or not America is still very racist and segregated which is why black are the least likely to date and marry interracially. Also there is still alot of negative stigma attached to being Black in America such as poor, uneducated, a criminal, HIV/AIDS infected etc. I live here in southern California where I see alot of interracial couples and yes I see alot of Black women w/ white men. Some of these black women are gorgeous (Beyonce Knowles wouldn’t have nothing on these women. And some of these women are let’s just say I wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. It was the same case when I lived in Miami.
The reason why Black women don’t interracially date as much as black men is not an issue of who finds them attractive it is an issue of culture. Black women are often seen as the backbone of the black culture. While black men were doing there own thing black women where left at home taking care of the kids, and trying to feed,clothes, and shelter them. I can tell you for a fact that most of the black women I know have no desire in dating a non-black man. Black women just love Black men. I think the sentiment should be shared by you brothers.
Next is the beauty issue. When Africans where brought here to the U.S we were told by our white captors that we where inferior, lazy, stupid, ugly, not worthy of being treated like a human being etc. Unfortunely, we as Africans in the U.S are still being told the same thing today. Many Black men date/marry interracially for many reasons. Some do it because they truly love the non-black women, others do it because they are strickly trying to climb the social ladder, some do it because a white women (because of society standards on beauty and wealth) are seen as the untimate prize and if they can’t get a white women they will get the next best thing an asian or latino women, because of there fair skin,keen features, and long straight hair.
We as black people have deeply rooted issue regarding ourselves, and until we as black people learn to get over them them we will never be able to heal.
Posted 10 Nov 2005 at 6:29 pm ¶
Alicia wrote:
I’m a black woman currently in a long term relationship white a white man. Perhaps I’m a little naive, but the race thing never really played into it. Not every person who decides to date out of their race is doing so simply because we feel that anyone outside of the black race is…well, for lack of a better term..better.
I don’t have an qualms or misgiving about my reasons for being with the man I love. I don’t have any qualms or misgivings about being a black woman. I don’t have any qualms or misgivings about my race in general.
I happened to meet and fall in love with a man who changed my life. He happened to be white.
Big deal?
Apparently it is. So much so that I had to warn him to be prepared for dirty looks and off-color comments about is being together.
CC, you said: “But right now I hope not, I want the latino , white and Asian MEN IN my life”.
If you think that simply by dating someone that isn’t black is going to get you what you need, Girl..I’ve got some stories to tell you.
I’ve dated all races of men. Latino, Asian and white. I’ve been dogged out by white men…blacks..whatever.
And the sooner you recognize that it’s the quality of the man and not his race, the happier you’ll be.
You do a disservice to black men…period. I love no other man beyond the one that I’m with now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the uniqueness and beauty of the men in my culture either.
I actually sit here and I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry because your pipe dreams of finding eternal happiness with some ‘non-black’ is going to be crushed faster than you can say ‘chocolate and vanilla’. Trust me on that.
It’s the quality of the man. If you’re hanging around lying, broke, triflin’ niggas…more than likely, that’s what you’re going to attract. You intergrate yourself with black men that are about something, you’ll find one of quality.
Partly, I blame it on the media for painting the image of black people that they have. But it’s up to us to disparage it…not buy into it.
Make no mistake about it. I love my ‘white boy’. And I will to the day I die. But if he had been black, asian, green or orange…or half fish…I would still love him.
And until you realize that, you are just as bad as everyone else who looks down on interracial relationships negatively…on both sides of the spectrum.
Posted 18 Nov 2005 at 10:24 pm ¶
K-Michel wrote:
I agree with those of you who indicated that this topic is really getting old, however, I would like to put a spin on this topic regarding interracial relationships.
I am a black woman and have many friends who date outside their race. My best friend, who is white is only 30 years old and have been married (and divorced) twice now. Her first husband was white, and she believed they were truly in love. Early on in their marriage, he began cheating on her (several times until she lost count) and she was even more upselt to find out that he had been cheating on her with BLACK women. She knew when they first met that her husband loved black culture because he was raised around it, however, she still felt they were in love. The irony of this situation is that my best friend has preferred Black men for as long as I have known her (at least 10 years now). When she continuously asked her husband to go to couple’s counseling, etc., he refused and finally broke down and told her that the bottom line was that he just wasn’t attracted to her, he was attracted to Black women only. So, you see, no matter what my friend did to keep their marriage together, as long as she was white and her husband who was also white, preferred Black women, she would never be good enough. This caused my friend to develop severe self-esteem issues to this day and she is extremely jealous of black women. After that divorce, a few years later, she married a Black man, who she knew was no good. Long story short, they divorced after less than 6 months and she still has issues within herself that ultimately stem from her first marriage. Now, her self-esteem is so low, she let’s Black men treat her any kind of way because she says she hates to be lonely.
The bottom line is that we fail to realize that their are many aspects to interracial dating, not just Black men who date White women. Again, although I am a Black woman, I have heard many Black men say to me “you look like you date white boys”, as if there is a certain “look” that a person has. I am extremely open to dating white men and if the right one came along, I would definitely give him a shot.
Posted 15 Dec 2005 at 12:24 pm ¶
SOLODAD wrote:
In steps an international black man. Having dated many cultures (starting first with a black woman) I can share with you that although color and history are differentiaters,womans needs are experientially the same.
Finding a woman with beiefs that mirror your own and (in my case) someone who has the same faith support system makes the relationship stronger. Once you get past the skin, the man and woman is a tough equation.I have found that after being married to someone of latin decent, the social differences weren’t the problem. It was the psychological and belief differences.
I am now dating (exclusively) an intelligent sexy black woman, who by the way I plan to marry. We have several experiential differences which challege our relationship. One being the “better than you” mentality.
Since she has never been married and I have , I’m pretty sensitive to what is required to make it work.
Since I’m a single father,I don’t allow poor character behaviors to go unexamined-this includes my own.( I am a representative for someone elses life and take that very seriously) Dispite the myth there are a lot of Black men who are simply looking for lower stress relationships (there is enough stress socially)
We had a long conversation about the black white thing and agreed to disagree. Her concept is based on “supply and demand” with a string of qualifiers on what is a “good black man”- I told her she probably passed by a “good black man” three times a week….but he was driving a truck. Luckily not all black woman feel the same way. Just a note I’m a black professional as well. Stay Blessed SOLODAD
Posted 02 Jan 2006 at 10:49 am ¶
Sam wrote:
After reading some of these mind altering comments, I believe that some black men and women that date outside,or even mary outside of their race is culturlly undeveloped.
I have dated white women in my life but to compare them with a black woman is beyond understanding. You have ugliness and beauty in any culture.But to say that white women have more beauty, is to say a peach is a fruit, but an apple is not.
It is a given that no relationship is perfect. This is to say that any black man or woman that chooses to deal witin their race
is not only strong, but beautiful as well.
In my life I have found, that beyond compare a black woman will stick out the good times and bad times in a relationship with their man,more than a white woman would regardless of race.
White women become less monogamous. and more permissive, and tend to become cheater and lesbians wether in or out of the closet.
In closing, Black man, don’t give uo just give in the beauty in our race has no end.(women that is)
Posted 11 Feb 2006 at 11:25 am ¶
big_moe wrote:
I donot think there is anything wrong with black men dating white woman, and I donot think there is anything wrong with white men dating black woman, in fact I incourage it. Im not white, IM metis(halfwhite/half indian) I love black woman and will only date black woman. my people and your people had similar struggles, I think this is the kinship that draws me to black woman. I have never dated a white woman, and have no desire to. I have lots of white woman friends but. I prefer the beautiful and spirited, black woman.
P.S I’m available if there are any black woman that like tall(6′3″) metis men.
Posted 28 Feb 2006 at 12:13 pm ¶